In the Shower with My Clothes On

I should had known

When he called her “crazy”

Another misogynist misdiagnosing the woman.

She was a “loose cannon with no sense of direction in her life”

Disoriented under the water pressure of his absolute fuckery

Losing air

But… “psycho” all the same.

I should had known

When five beers wasn’t enough

When the shots didn’t burn anymore on the way down

A switch of five different people

All in one man

All in those two hours at the bar.

I should had known

When he took my keys

Sat in my car

And dared for me to runaway.

I couldn’t even cry

I couldn’t even breathe

I laid on the floor waiting for the world to stop turning

Closed my eyes and fell asleep.

Last thought before drifting:

What am I doing here?

I should have known

When he came home at 3 am from Tijuana

Smelling like liquor and something else

That I couldn’t place

But it was unfamiliar and jarring.

Breaking me from my sleep with a push

Another push onto me

Dead weight

But still making moves to take what he believed was always entitled to him

It was thoughtless

It was painful

It was dry

It was without words

It took too long

A knife would live under my side of the mattress from then on.

I should had known

When he became a ghost in our own home

Watching me from around the corners of all the walls

Those dark eyes black and dangerously pensive

Afraid i would find out that he was no one when he told me he was everyone

And… I knew

But I felt like no one too

Maybe we could..

Talk about that

Maybe we could

Mourn that

Maybe we could

Feel like something together

But no

I was always left alone in the dark.

I should known

When he took a fistful of my hair

And pulled towards him hard

I was a mare with too much fire

Of course the reins were always in his hands

I am to blame for that

I handed them to him.

I should had known

I should had known

I did know.

I have so much love for the broken

Being broken myself

But this was beyond anything I knew

I stared evil in it’s face for so long

I should had been afraid

I should felt it in my bones

To be afraid is survival

Why was I never afraid?

Why am I still never afraid?

I don’t want this fire

But without it I am not me

Will it burn to ash any day now?